The Perfect Storm

Matt's House, Boulevard, Hull, June 2018

I thought I’d done this.

I thought I’d already done this,

Twenty years ago, ten years, four,

I’ve been here before.

I thought those times

Of ground giving way

And all the falling

Had been enough.

Would be enough by now.

All the brave work had been done.

The walking into the fury

And letting it do its thing.

But still it persists.

This crashing down

All this crying, crying, crying.

These griefs still making themselves known,

Crawling out of crevasses

And suddenly looming large,

Taking up space.

These weird jack-in-the-box moments

When the least likely thing

Triggers a memory

And then PING! out it all comes,

Displacing time as if it’s now,

As if it’s all happening now.

And all those locked-up feelings

Are screaming.

I can feel the strain of it all

When I touch my arm

Like the blood underneath is fizzing

Like there’s an electrical current

Quietly whizzing round me.

I’m walking around raw

Wanting nothing more

Than to ignore what’s happening

And just do what I’ve always done,

Get on.

Side-step it all by spinning into activity

Or lying low til I can gather

Enough strength and guile

To get out there again

And grit it out.

Always this feeling of exposure

Of not being protected

Of having to stand alone

Not knowing, really, where’s home.

So easier to keep moving,

Safer not to keep still.

Less painful by far

To remain unsettled

To not stop

Not let the guard drop

To stay on top

And just let the smiley me be seen

The likeable, laughable

Lovely to be around, me.

But the perfect storm has hit, it seems

And there’s no way out of it.

All I can do is weather the waves

And just walk straight into it.

Straight into the fury and the fears,

All the unwept tears

And revel in it.

Why not?

Why not rail at it spectacularly?

Why not just abandon myself to it

And let it do its thing.

To be continued………….