Breathing In

Phnom Penh, Cambodia, Dec 2010

Today I feel I can finally breathe.

A month in and finally I can begin to be.

From a shaky start with no known home

Being thrown by plans changing,

Thoughts rearranging:

Weaning off the obvious,

Wrestling with the whys,

Waiting for the unexpected.

This time last year I rode round in tuk tuks

Taking photos, exploring, taking it all in.

When I got a bike I was off,

Sweat pouring, gleeful in the anarchy

Of mad moto-filled streets.

Today I pedalled and felt God’s pleasure,

Saw his wink in the glint of a Lexus wing mirror

Saw his smile part the traffic

And usher me through.

Last time I just wanted to see the colour

And focus on the life here.

Didn’t want to know about war and death

Didn’t want to know about grief.

So avoided the genocide museum

Kept away from the Killing Fields

Was careful to tread a safe path

And guard my soul.

This time I have walked the ground of Toul Sleng*

Strengthened by a free-wheeling friendship

That took in all the bumps and steps and cracks.

Together we faced the mugshots,

The rows of dead-eyed stares,

Faces that could have been Sreyrohm, Sokim, Gul.

Faces that could have been my friends.

This time last year I was happy to mooch

To try things out and have a go.

To test and see if this land was good

To see if I could breathe here.

Today I gulp great lung-fulls

Of life in a spacious place

And finally feel I can breathe here,

Finally feel free to be home.

*Genocide museum in Phnom Penh